Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
