remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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