I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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