Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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