Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize