found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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