Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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