Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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