I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
