my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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