my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
