ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
