it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
