I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
tell me about the eggs
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize