high people should be assigned attendants
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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