I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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