I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
