the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
