I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
