GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
