I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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