Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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