I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
