the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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