FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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