my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
