I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
