just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize