mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
