oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
