ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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