Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
