Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
