I CAN MOONWALK!
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
