i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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