I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
