I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
