i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
