btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
