I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
