You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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