I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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