You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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