i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
