I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
