Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
