Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
