Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
