I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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