I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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