why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
