I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
