she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
