A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
