Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
