Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I wish you could order shots online.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
