I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
