please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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