If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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