Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
