1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
