my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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