I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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