sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
