I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
