So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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