Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
