i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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