Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Randomize
