I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
