for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
