i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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