I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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