you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
