On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
